How much do I love thee…….

I was never the sort to get carried away by charming men. All that attracted me towards the opposite sex was wisdom, sincerity, wit , a little humor, presence of mind and a know-it-all-attitude to add a few.

I love my husband the most! Probably more than anybody else in the whole world, even more than my own children. We get along like a house on fire. He is my best buddy, buddies buddy, booze buddy, fag buddy and bum buddy too ! Life feels so complete with him around.

Being best pals marked 10 yrs last month. We arranged a grand party. All of our best friends were invited. We had a gala time. Being together so happy for so long was an achievement in itself. I thought what more do I need ? Two wonderful children, a loving husband of 10 years, a sound life, a grand house, my own special lavish car and moreover good health! So touchwood to that and I continued my life in the best company of Kirtan, my husband.

It was around noon and the phone rang. Hurriedly as ever I answered .

“Hey! Guess who?”.........caller.

“Ah, am sorry not able to recollect, but your voice seems familiar”……Me.

“Well, at least you remember my voice, that makes my day”……caller.

“Yeah? But I am not able to recollect, who is calling”? …………….Me.

“Hey Sonia this is Rajeev here.”

What? Rajeev, after such a long time!!

Me and Rajeev were colleagues at work for almost 5 years. He was always very supportive at work and would even fight with the management on my behalf. He was very protective and would pick and drop me sometimes to work if ever I got late. Always the typical “always ready to help in whatever way” kind of friend. But yet he could never be my boyfriend because Kirtan was always in my life. Kirtan was my childhood sweetheart and an obvious companion for me. The whole world knew about us. I liked Rajeev but accepting him more than a good friend never occurred to me. Whereas his occasional comments like “Biwi ho toh Sonia jaisi” and “You are a perfect wife material”, were taken very casually by me.

Nevertheless, I was elated when he called. His voice seemed so nice to hear. My excitement was obvious. My urge to meet him did not go unnoticed. We decided to meet. He was officially visiting Mumbai and so the meeting was finalized. I invited him home.

On the pre-decided day, Rajeev walked in at the perfect given time with a huge bunch of yellow rose-buds, my favourite since college days.

I was surprised he remembered, but somewhere inside I knew he would. Honestly in the heart of my heart I knew he liked me and I loved his company too! But the moment Kirtan would step in my life , Rajeev would take a back seat.

I was dressed in pink. I knew he liked me in pastels. Why was I doing it? I thought....Its nice to look presentable to guests was my inevitable answer.

He glanced at me and said “Gosh you look old ya, a mother of two, ha?..great!! But your smile is just the same” …..“Yes I must admit even after these dentures”...I joked and we both laughed.

He looked just the same. Tall and handsome, same basic blue denims with a crisp white shirt with sleeves folded half way…just the way I always liked. He wore a wonderful perfume and however it may sound but he looked too good to me.

During the general talks I learnt that he hadn’t married for not being able to find a suitable bride. I don’t know why but I was gladdened by this thought. After lunch he left. At the doorstep he gave me my favorite chocolate bar. I loved all his gestures and kept thinking about him through the day, of all that he said to me and the way he looked at me. In the evening Kirtan walked in. I told him the whole episode and also that I was very happy to meet Rajeev. ”Guess you are getting attracted to him ha?” he added jokingly. I was startled ! Was I really? I thought. No way! I assured myself.

Days passed and Rajeev’s occasional calls slowly changed to twice a week and over a period of time we started chatting daily. There was nothing special we spoke about nor were they love talks but we enjoyed listening to each other. “May be we were catching up and making up for the past many years” I told myself.

Every morning I would squeeze out an hour out of my hectic schedule and devote to Rajeev.

As long as the chats were casual I didn’t mind sharing them with Kirtan. He knew about our calls and never restricted me. Things appeared normal until one day Rajeev said he was leaving for the U.S.

“I would be gone for two months”, he said. I was devastated. His timings and mine would not match and we wouldn’t be able to talk so often. This thought troubled me. Unknowingly I said, “Rajeev, I shall miss you”, and I broke down. There was a sharp silence for a few minutes. He didn’t say a word. “I shall miss you too…., missed you too much for all these years!” he added suddenly. Guess this was the only line missing for so long.

“You did?” I asked. “Ofcourse Sonia, I haven’t found anybody like you for so long. I tried avoiding you for a long time, but finally I realized I cannot get you out of my mind. Mumbai was just a reason to visit you. Missed you a lot.”

The few minutes that followed after this conversation had all possible emotions flowing…I felt excited, wanted to cry, smiling to myself at the same time, felt like a teenager, wanted to hop and jump as if I was waiting for his confession.

Just then the doorbell rang. My emotions crashed and reality hit me like a thunderstorm. Kirtan walked in, “Why on earth were you not opening the door sweetie? I have been at it for the past 5 minutes. You are not answering your cell phone either. I got worried. Are you fine darling?” He hugged me and offered a peck on my cheeks, but I did not feel the same love as I always did until lately. Oh my! I thought to myself. I am doing something wrong. Am I cheating on Kirtan. No way, I can’t hurt him. He is my soul.

Though I pretended that things were normal, I could sense a feeling of detachment from Kirtan. A bonding seemed to be budding between me and Rajeev. Which I hated to admit but loved it too.

--

I was getting very uncomfortable with each passing day. Rajeev's impending absence was disturbing me. I was getting anxious, angry, upset and irritable. Anger seemed to be brimming in my every conversation with almost everybody. I was getting cranky for no reason, blasting at kids over any silly matter and was just not at peace with myself. Music has been my eternal soulmate, but it didn’t pacify me either.

Finally I called Rajeev. He was in a shower when he answered my call. I said, “Do you HAVE to go?”

“What?!!!” he asked.

“I will miss you a lot. It is just being too impossible. Honestly, I don’t want you to go.”

He smiled and said, “I am in Mumbai right now. Want to meet you desperately.”

“Come over….” I said ”…in the next half an hour”

“Alright”. The call ended

And sure enough, the doorbell rang after the half hour. He stood at my door looking fresh as ever. I called him in. There was no reason to speak further we thought and we hugged on tight for what felt like an eternity. Tears rolled down our cheeks and Rod Stewart's soft number playing through the open kitchen door seemed so appropriate. “Have I told you lately that I love you...”

We didn’t realize when our lips met without waiting for any invitation. I was setting myself loose. It could have gone further, but he stepped back. “No Sonia, this is not right”

I was shaken too. We spent the next few moments in silence. He walked towards me and said, “I have never loved anyone in my life, like I have loved you. I have only thought about you for the past fifteen years. Nobody can replace you. You are irresistible, beautiful, smart, loving, innocent, child-like and basically a perfect woman to me. I loved everything about you. Your nature, innocence, your attitude and most of all these beautiful eyes. They still hold the warmth for me. I noticed it the very first day we met. I always knew you had a liking for me and also that you couldn’t express because you were committed”

to be continued...

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