How Much Do I Love Thee....(Part Two)

We chatted for many hours to follow. Got so lost in each other’s company that we forgot lunch and also that it was time for the kids to return home. I introduced my kids to him and they immediately bonded well. All four of us had lunch together and he left after a while.

This bonding, longing and attraction for each other was blossoming with each passing day. But whatever was happening would leave me troubled and upset at the end of the day. I knew I was wrong. There was no reason for me to get into all this. Was it only attraction? No, it wasn’t, because we never discussed sex. Nor that either of us was sexually inclined to the other. Then why? Could we just not be good friends. Why was this desperate feeling of owning him and not letting him go overpowering me? Was I being too selfish, wanting him to like only me? Did I want to hold on to Rajeev, just to be proud of having someone miss me and love me for almost 10 years and let it continue for some more time? If that was the case I should stop all this at once, I thought to myself. But the reason wasn’t clear. So, I spoke to Rajeev about this and told him my fears and my inner turmoil. He had a very simple explanation. He said, “Sonia, I never demanded anything from you. Nor will I ever do. All I want is this comfort feeling of you being into my life, you liking me and your presence in my life will give me enough reason to carry on. So, you don’t need to bother sweets, just talk to me every day and always be by me. You are my strength.”

I was speechless. I loved every word he said, loved his views, loved the feeling of his immense sincerity towards me. So I decided to let things flow their own course.

Days passed and I was flowing in his love. But being bitter towards my own self. I had been cursing myself for being untrue towards Kirtan. Though I was not cheating on him, but secretly loving someone else inspite of Kirtan, was dampening my loyalty.

Rajeev’s frequent visits to the U.S. were not troubling me anymore. It was kind of accepted by us that life and work had to go on. It was during one such visit of his that I met with an accident. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days to take care of my broken arm, the only significant injury I had. Since my cell-phone and landline went unanswered, frantically Rajeev called up Kirtan. After knowing what had happened, he took the next flight to Mumbai. He rushed to my hospital room and couldn’t help crying. He held my hand and said how upset and scared he was. Ofcourse Kirtan wasn’t around at the time.

On the last day at the hospital, when I was being discharged, the nurse asked me who Rajeev was.

“That sir spent both nights here waiting in the lobby and peeping inside your room every hour to see if you were fine”

I was touched. Since the kids were alone, Kirtan had to be home through the night. So Rajeev was more or less filling in for Kirtan. After this episode my involvement in Rajeev grew manifold and I decided to accept him and this relationship as a part of me, wholeheartedly.

We celebrated birthdays and Diwali and all possible festivals together. I mean he would try to meet me atleast for a day during the festivals and go back to Pune.

He discussed all his problems, his friends, his work….. almost everything under the sun and I shared my things as well. Our friendship was the best thing that could have happened to me, or rather us! We were both very happy in this mutual comfort zone. Rajeev called up on a Friday evening “ Sonia sweets, I need to go back to the US again and guess what this is for a very good reason. I might be promoted to the MD post only if I clear my last interview with Mark Griffith in California. Wish me luck honey, this really is an important step in my career.”

“Hey that’s so cool Rajeev !”, I added.“I want you to go and get this thing done, rather I am sure you will!...Alright…so now it will be Rajeev Kapoor- MD of Griffith and company. ! I hope to see you soon“.

I shared this news with Kirtan on the same night.” That’s really good to know” he said “ I have a splendid news too sweetie” he added. “ I would be leaving for Germany a day after to crack a deal with the Hobners” - Hobners were a major client with Kirtan’s firm – “and if I make it, we would soon shift to a huge duplex flat on Yaari road”

“Really?” I exclaimed excitedly

“Yes darling. We might need to spend around five months in Germany too”

“Splendid!” I screamed

My happiness knew no bounds. I jumped and danced and hummed moving around in Kirtan’s arms.

---

I was done with Kirtan’s packing except for the suit. In my mind I was contemplating over the thoughts of shifting to Yaari road and our Germany visits. “Alright Deutschland, here I come!” I was talking to myself.

It was a known fact that Kirtan was going to crack the deal, after all he was a genius.

He left for Germany and I started looking forward to his return right away and also began dreaming as how I will decorate our future duplex apartment.

Rajeev called me the day before he was to leave.He wanted to meet me and wish him luck personally for his Big day. The kids were anyways going to Manoj’s house to spend the day and I was relatively free. We planned to have lunch at ‘Jazz by the bay’ and then head to ‘The chocolate room’ for desserts. He was to pick me up at 11 am. That gave me barely enough time to get ready. I decided to dress in a bright red saree unlike pastel colours.

At exact 11:00 Rajeev was at the door. I opened the door and asked him to be seated while I quickly marched to my bed room for a quick glance at myself. As I turned back after admiring myself in the mirror he stood there staring at me. "Oh lord you look soo radiant Sonia….i just can’t help envying Kirtan. I shall miss you like crazy. He bent over and placed a peck on my cheeks…but I held him tight and hugged him. I didn’t feel like letting him go. The obvious was bound to happen… our lips met. I could feel his grip tighten as he caressed me. I couldn’t let him go and I wanted more of him. Today none of us wanted to let go of each other. In no time our kiss turned more passionate and nothing could have stopped us. I felt out of this world as his love enveloped me. His touch made me feel special and wanting for more. The fact that it didn’t make me feel bad in the end made me realize that we were truly in love. I felt eternally loved.

---

Rajeev called me before boarding his flight.

“I am so glad I spent yesterday with you. I am darn sure that on my return I will indeed be on the company’s board. It just feels so right! Everything feels right today”

“I know you will. All the best, Rajeev. Bye and take care” Suddenly I felt I was alone, even though Kirtan was calling me everyday. And now Rajeev was also gone.

But I decided to have my own time and made a big “to-do” list which included long spa hours and plenty of shopping. I decided to let the kids have their share of fun too. So, I let Ranvir, my elder son ride his bicycle with his friends to his classes. Normally I dropped and picked him, a fact he didn’t like much and wanted to be ‘an independent big boy’ by cycling with his friends. He was overjoyed and there were tons of “Love you mom” messages on my fridge, my car and even my cell-phone. I was happy too.

One such afternoon, Ranvir left for his classes and a little later I got a frantic call from Mrs. D’souza.

“Mrs. Singh, your son has had an accident. My husband has taken him to Nirmal nursing home. Can you please hurry up, he seems to be critical”

I crashed on the floor. My feet went numb and my brain just refused to work. I was speechless and cold. First thing I knew was that I had to see Ranvir. I hired an auto, cause I wouldn’t have been able to think straight while driving and headed straight to the hospital. One look at Ranvir and his bandaged body sent chills down my spine. I was shivering. I didn’t know where to look and what to do next. Mrs. D’souza was trying to pacify me and asking me to call up Kirtan. I hurriedly looked up my diary for Kirtan’s numbers in Germany. My heart was pounding harder than I had ever imagined. I hoped he answered my call even if he was busy. He answered the phone and I instantly felt relieved after hearing his soothing voice. He said, “Sonu, don’t worry, I shall speak to the doctors right away. Don’t tell me how all this happened, but be sure you will manage everything until I come back. Be strong and trust God. I am leaving immediately. Do you have the ATM cards for both the accounts?”

“Yes, I do”

“Alright, good. Don’t forget the health cards too. Call Sanjay and Manoj. It is better to keep close friends informed in case you need any help. And listen carefully, do not get into any police complaints right now. I will manage when I come over. Take care baby, and just don’t worry. Should I hang up or do you want to talk more?”

“Kirtan,” I asked “but if you wrap up and leave right now, you would miss out on the opportunity with the Hobners. If you want I can call daddy from Delhi and bhaiyya can join too. So, I guess you can stay back and complete your work. After all, that is important too. Plus you would be back in 3 days anyway.”

“Are you crazy jaan, how on earth can I stay here when I know my family needs me the most. I want to be with you guys under any circumstances, be whatever, I don’t care. I am coming home to be with you and the kids. Bye love” he hung up.

I had gathered enough strength and I knew Kirtan could do anything for me.

After a gap of a few hours, Ranvir was coping well with the medications, it was a relief to see him smiling and he signaled, “Sorry mom”. I couldn’t help crying.

I had friends comforting me. Manoj and his entire family was around and so were Sanjay, Deepa, Rahul, Shreya and Saurabh. I felt a bit relaxed and could now gather enough courage to face the situation. I called up daddy in Delhi and asked them to come over the next day. They were panic struck but I was able to calm them down. Manoj offered to stay overnight and advised me to go home. After a series of suggestions about who would stay the night and next day, I was persistent in my decision that I wanted to be by Ranvir and it served the best in this situation. However I was okay to send Ruchika – my daughter – to stay over at Manoj's house. Everybody relented and I thanked them enough for being by me. Friends are like gems, always ready to help in the times of crises.

When everybody had left and Ranvir was sleeping under the influence of pain killers and sedatives, it dawned on me to call Rajeev. Hastily enough I dialed his cell number.

“Oh what a wonderful surprise, Sonia. Didn’t expect you to call. In fact you called just in time. I was about to leave for work and get ready for my big day tomorrow. But why are you sounding so low? Is everything alright?”

I narrated whatever transpired during the day and was in tears again.

“Oh my God! How did this happen? Ranvir is too young to be riding on his own. Have you called Kirtan? When is he coming back? Are your or his parents coming over? See darling, you should have been really careful. Specially during the times when Kirtan is not around. How is Ranvir doing now? Any idea when the hospital will let him go? Hope your friends are there to help you. And how about Ruchika? Who is taking care of her? I can call a couple of my friends from Mumbai and have them come over and see to it that you and Ranvir are well taken care of. You take care of yourself and be strong until Kirtan is there with you.”

I replied to all his concerns and assured that I shall be fine. And I hung up.

Why am I not feeling good about my conversation with Rajeev? He came across as if he were far away from me, not only physically but emotionally as well. He did sound worried but then why did I not feel comforted by his words?. Oh, I get it…he did not offer to come over to be by my side! But why should he anyway? Ranvir is not his son, besides he has got a very important meeting coming up tomorrow. Why would he forego his career opportunity for my kids. He would have definitely flown back if they were his own kids! Yes, that makes sense. My husband is rushing back to me at this moment. For him me and my kids are a priority….topmost priority! Sonia doesn’t exist alone….Ranvir and Ruchika are a part of her….may be Rajeev can never be Kirtan….thats right…Rajeev will always remain a friend and Kirtan my soul…Oh how foolish was I to get carried away…and for what was I doing all of this?...may be the inner ego boost that I received from Rajeev for loving none else but me kept me asking for more in this relationship…

Just then my cell buzzed…it was Rajeev…"Sonia, should I wrap up everything and leave by the next possible flight? I think I should be there with you.”……

“No Rajeev, I shall be alright. Don’t advance your return just for me. Kirtan would be back by morning anyway. Please don’t mix up your priorities….I guess I too need to realise this and set my priorities right…Lets catch up whenever you are back. Bye. And take care…”