How Much Do I Love Thee....(Part Two)

We chatted for many hours to follow. Got so lost in each other’s company that we forgot lunch and also that it was time for the kids to return home. I introduced my kids to him and they immediately bonded well. All four of us had lunch together and he left after a while.

This bonding, longing and attraction for each other was blossoming with each passing day. But whatever was happening would leave me troubled and upset at the end of the day. I knew I was wrong. There was no reason for me to get into all this. Was it only attraction? No, it wasn’t, because we never discussed sex. Nor that either of us was sexually inclined to the other. Then why? Could we just not be good friends. Why was this desperate feeling of owning him and not letting him go overpowering me? Was I being too selfish, wanting him to like only me? Did I want to hold on to Rajeev, just to be proud of having someone miss me and love me for almost 10 years and let it continue for some more time? If that was the case I should stop all this at once, I thought to myself. But the reason wasn’t clear. So, I spoke to Rajeev about this and told him my fears and my inner turmoil. He had a very simple explanation. He said, “Sonia, I never demanded anything from you. Nor will I ever do. All I want is this comfort feeling of you being into my life, you liking me and your presence in my life will give me enough reason to carry on. So, you don’t need to bother sweets, just talk to me every day and always be by me. You are my strength.”

I was speechless. I loved every word he said, loved his views, loved the feeling of his immense sincerity towards me. So I decided to let things flow their own course.

Days passed and I was flowing in his love. But being bitter towards my own self. I had been cursing myself for being untrue towards Kirtan. Though I was not cheating on him, but secretly loving someone else inspite of Kirtan, was dampening my loyalty.

Rajeev’s frequent visits to the U.S. were not troubling me anymore. It was kind of accepted by us that life and work had to go on. It was during one such visit of his that I met with an accident. I was admitted to the hospital for a few days to take care of my broken arm, the only significant injury I had. Since my cell-phone and landline went unanswered, frantically Rajeev called up Kirtan. After knowing what had happened, he took the next flight to Mumbai. He rushed to my hospital room and couldn’t help crying. He held my hand and said how upset and scared he was. Ofcourse Kirtan wasn’t around at the time.

On the last day at the hospital, when I was being discharged, the nurse asked me who Rajeev was.

“That sir spent both nights here waiting in the lobby and peeping inside your room every hour to see if you were fine”

I was touched. Since the kids were alone, Kirtan had to be home through the night. So Rajeev was more or less filling in for Kirtan. After this episode my involvement in Rajeev grew manifold and I decided to accept him and this relationship as a part of me, wholeheartedly.

We celebrated birthdays and Diwali and all possible festivals together. I mean he would try to meet me atleast for a day during the festivals and go back to Pune.

He discussed all his problems, his friends, his work….. almost everything under the sun and I shared my things as well. Our friendship was the best thing that could have happened to me, or rather us! We were both very happy in this mutual comfort zone. Rajeev called up on a Friday evening “ Sonia sweets, I need to go back to the US again and guess what this is for a very good reason. I might be promoted to the MD post only if I clear my last interview with Mark Griffith in California. Wish me luck honey, this really is an important step in my career.”

“Hey that’s so cool Rajeev !”, I added.“I want you to go and get this thing done, rather I am sure you will!...Alright…so now it will be Rajeev Kapoor- MD of Griffith and company. ! I hope to see you soon“.

I shared this news with Kirtan on the same night.” That’s really good to know” he said “ I have a splendid news too sweetie” he added. “ I would be leaving for Germany a day after to crack a deal with the Hobners” - Hobners were a major client with Kirtan’s firm – “and if I make it, we would soon shift to a huge duplex flat on Yaari road”

“Really?” I exclaimed excitedly

“Yes darling. We might need to spend around five months in Germany too”

“Splendid!” I screamed

My happiness knew no bounds. I jumped and danced and hummed moving around in Kirtan’s arms.

---

I was done with Kirtan’s packing except for the suit. In my mind I was contemplating over the thoughts of shifting to Yaari road and our Germany visits. “Alright Deutschland, here I come!” I was talking to myself.

It was a known fact that Kirtan was going to crack the deal, after all he was a genius.

He left for Germany and I started looking forward to his return right away and also began dreaming as how I will decorate our future duplex apartment.

Rajeev called me the day before he was to leave.He wanted to meet me and wish him luck personally for his Big day. The kids were anyways going to Manoj’s house to spend the day and I was relatively free. We planned to have lunch at ‘Jazz by the bay’ and then head to ‘The chocolate room’ for desserts. He was to pick me up at 11 am. That gave me barely enough time to get ready. I decided to dress in a bright red saree unlike pastel colours.

At exact 11:00 Rajeev was at the door. I opened the door and asked him to be seated while I quickly marched to my bed room for a quick glance at myself. As I turned back after admiring myself in the mirror he stood there staring at me. "Oh lord you look soo radiant Sonia….i just can’t help envying Kirtan. I shall miss you like crazy. He bent over and placed a peck on my cheeks…but I held him tight and hugged him. I didn’t feel like letting him go. The obvious was bound to happen… our lips met. I could feel his grip tighten as he caressed me. I couldn’t let him go and I wanted more of him. Today none of us wanted to let go of each other. In no time our kiss turned more passionate and nothing could have stopped us. I felt out of this world as his love enveloped me. His touch made me feel special and wanting for more. The fact that it didn’t make me feel bad in the end made me realize that we were truly in love. I felt eternally loved.

---

Rajeev called me before boarding his flight.

“I am so glad I spent yesterday with you. I am darn sure that on my return I will indeed be on the company’s board. It just feels so right! Everything feels right today”

“I know you will. All the best, Rajeev. Bye and take care” Suddenly I felt I was alone, even though Kirtan was calling me everyday. And now Rajeev was also gone.

But I decided to have my own time and made a big “to-do” list which included long spa hours and plenty of shopping. I decided to let the kids have their share of fun too. So, I let Ranvir, my elder son ride his bicycle with his friends to his classes. Normally I dropped and picked him, a fact he didn’t like much and wanted to be ‘an independent big boy’ by cycling with his friends. He was overjoyed and there were tons of “Love you mom” messages on my fridge, my car and even my cell-phone. I was happy too.

One such afternoon, Ranvir left for his classes and a little later I got a frantic call from Mrs. D’souza.

“Mrs. Singh, your son has had an accident. My husband has taken him to Nirmal nursing home. Can you please hurry up, he seems to be critical”

I crashed on the floor. My feet went numb and my brain just refused to work. I was speechless and cold. First thing I knew was that I had to see Ranvir. I hired an auto, cause I wouldn’t have been able to think straight while driving and headed straight to the hospital. One look at Ranvir and his bandaged body sent chills down my spine. I was shivering. I didn’t know where to look and what to do next. Mrs. D’souza was trying to pacify me and asking me to call up Kirtan. I hurriedly looked up my diary for Kirtan’s numbers in Germany. My heart was pounding harder than I had ever imagined. I hoped he answered my call even if he was busy. He answered the phone and I instantly felt relieved after hearing his soothing voice. He said, “Sonu, don’t worry, I shall speak to the doctors right away. Don’t tell me how all this happened, but be sure you will manage everything until I come back. Be strong and trust God. I am leaving immediately. Do you have the ATM cards for both the accounts?”

“Yes, I do”

“Alright, good. Don’t forget the health cards too. Call Sanjay and Manoj. It is better to keep close friends informed in case you need any help. And listen carefully, do not get into any police complaints right now. I will manage when I come over. Take care baby, and just don’t worry. Should I hang up or do you want to talk more?”

“Kirtan,” I asked “but if you wrap up and leave right now, you would miss out on the opportunity with the Hobners. If you want I can call daddy from Delhi and bhaiyya can join too. So, I guess you can stay back and complete your work. After all, that is important too. Plus you would be back in 3 days anyway.”

“Are you crazy jaan, how on earth can I stay here when I know my family needs me the most. I want to be with you guys under any circumstances, be whatever, I don’t care. I am coming home to be with you and the kids. Bye love” he hung up.

I had gathered enough strength and I knew Kirtan could do anything for me.

After a gap of a few hours, Ranvir was coping well with the medications, it was a relief to see him smiling and he signaled, “Sorry mom”. I couldn’t help crying.

I had friends comforting me. Manoj and his entire family was around and so were Sanjay, Deepa, Rahul, Shreya and Saurabh. I felt a bit relaxed and could now gather enough courage to face the situation. I called up daddy in Delhi and asked them to come over the next day. They were panic struck but I was able to calm them down. Manoj offered to stay overnight and advised me to go home. After a series of suggestions about who would stay the night and next day, I was persistent in my decision that I wanted to be by Ranvir and it served the best in this situation. However I was okay to send Ruchika – my daughter – to stay over at Manoj's house. Everybody relented and I thanked them enough for being by me. Friends are like gems, always ready to help in the times of crises.

When everybody had left and Ranvir was sleeping under the influence of pain killers and sedatives, it dawned on me to call Rajeev. Hastily enough I dialed his cell number.

“Oh what a wonderful surprise, Sonia. Didn’t expect you to call. In fact you called just in time. I was about to leave for work and get ready for my big day tomorrow. But why are you sounding so low? Is everything alright?”

I narrated whatever transpired during the day and was in tears again.

“Oh my God! How did this happen? Ranvir is too young to be riding on his own. Have you called Kirtan? When is he coming back? Are your or his parents coming over? See darling, you should have been really careful. Specially during the times when Kirtan is not around. How is Ranvir doing now? Any idea when the hospital will let him go? Hope your friends are there to help you. And how about Ruchika? Who is taking care of her? I can call a couple of my friends from Mumbai and have them come over and see to it that you and Ranvir are well taken care of. You take care of yourself and be strong until Kirtan is there with you.”

I replied to all his concerns and assured that I shall be fine. And I hung up.

Why am I not feeling good about my conversation with Rajeev? He came across as if he were far away from me, not only physically but emotionally as well. He did sound worried but then why did I not feel comforted by his words?. Oh, I get it…he did not offer to come over to be by my side! But why should he anyway? Ranvir is not his son, besides he has got a very important meeting coming up tomorrow. Why would he forego his career opportunity for my kids. He would have definitely flown back if they were his own kids! Yes, that makes sense. My husband is rushing back to me at this moment. For him me and my kids are a priority….topmost priority! Sonia doesn’t exist alone….Ranvir and Ruchika are a part of her….may be Rajeev can never be Kirtan….thats right…Rajeev will always remain a friend and Kirtan my soul…Oh how foolish was I to get carried away…and for what was I doing all of this?...may be the inner ego boost that I received from Rajeev for loving none else but me kept me asking for more in this relationship…

Just then my cell buzzed…it was Rajeev…"Sonia, should I wrap up everything and leave by the next possible flight? I think I should be there with you.”……

“No Rajeev, I shall be alright. Don’t advance your return just for me. Kirtan would be back by morning anyway. Please don’t mix up your priorities….I guess I too need to realise this and set my priorities right…Lets catch up whenever you are back. Bye. And take care…”

How much do I love thee…….

I was never the sort to get carried away by charming men. All that attracted me towards the opposite sex was wisdom, sincerity, wit , a little humor, presence of mind and a know-it-all-attitude to add a few.

I love my husband the most! Probably more than anybody else in the whole world, even more than my own children. We get along like a house on fire. He is my best buddy, buddies buddy, booze buddy, fag buddy and bum buddy too ! Life feels so complete with him around.

Being best pals marked 10 yrs last month. We arranged a grand party. All of our best friends were invited. We had a gala time. Being together so happy for so long was an achievement in itself. I thought what more do I need ? Two wonderful children, a loving husband of 10 years, a sound life, a grand house, my own special lavish car and moreover good health! So touchwood to that and I continued my life in the best company of Kirtan, my husband.

It was around noon and the phone rang. Hurriedly as ever I answered .

“Hey! Guess who?”.........caller.

“Ah, am sorry not able to recollect, but your voice seems familiar”……Me.

“Well, at least you remember my voice, that makes my day”……caller.

“Yeah? But I am not able to recollect, who is calling”? …………….Me.

“Hey Sonia this is Rajeev here.”

What? Rajeev, after such a long time!!

Me and Rajeev were colleagues at work for almost 5 years. He was always very supportive at work and would even fight with the management on my behalf. He was very protective and would pick and drop me sometimes to work if ever I got late. Always the typical “always ready to help in whatever way” kind of friend. But yet he could never be my boyfriend because Kirtan was always in my life. Kirtan was my childhood sweetheart and an obvious companion for me. The whole world knew about us. I liked Rajeev but accepting him more than a good friend never occurred to me. Whereas his occasional comments like “Biwi ho toh Sonia jaisi” and “You are a perfect wife material”, were taken very casually by me.

Nevertheless, I was elated when he called. His voice seemed so nice to hear. My excitement was obvious. My urge to meet him did not go unnoticed. We decided to meet. He was officially visiting Mumbai and so the meeting was finalized. I invited him home.

On the pre-decided day, Rajeev walked in at the perfect given time with a huge bunch of yellow rose-buds, my favourite since college days.

I was surprised he remembered, but somewhere inside I knew he would. Honestly in the heart of my heart I knew he liked me and I loved his company too! But the moment Kirtan would step in my life , Rajeev would take a back seat.

I was dressed in pink. I knew he liked me in pastels. Why was I doing it? I thought....Its nice to look presentable to guests was my inevitable answer.

He glanced at me and said “Gosh you look old ya, a mother of two, ha?..great!! But your smile is just the same” …..“Yes I must admit even after these dentures”...I joked and we both laughed.

He looked just the same. Tall and handsome, same basic blue denims with a crisp white shirt with sleeves folded half way…just the way I always liked. He wore a wonderful perfume and however it may sound but he looked too good to me.

During the general talks I learnt that he hadn’t married for not being able to find a suitable bride. I don’t know why but I was gladdened by this thought. After lunch he left. At the doorstep he gave me my favorite chocolate bar. I loved all his gestures and kept thinking about him through the day, of all that he said to me and the way he looked at me. In the evening Kirtan walked in. I told him the whole episode and also that I was very happy to meet Rajeev. ”Guess you are getting attracted to him ha?” he added jokingly. I was startled ! Was I really? I thought. No way! I assured myself.

Days passed and Rajeev’s occasional calls slowly changed to twice a week and over a period of time we started chatting daily. There was nothing special we spoke about nor were they love talks but we enjoyed listening to each other. “May be we were catching up and making up for the past many years” I told myself.

Every morning I would squeeze out an hour out of my hectic schedule and devote to Rajeev.

As long as the chats were casual I didn’t mind sharing them with Kirtan. He knew about our calls and never restricted me. Things appeared normal until one day Rajeev said he was leaving for the U.S.

“I would be gone for two months”, he said. I was devastated. His timings and mine would not match and we wouldn’t be able to talk so often. This thought troubled me. Unknowingly I said, “Rajeev, I shall miss you”, and I broke down. There was a sharp silence for a few minutes. He didn’t say a word. “I shall miss you too…., missed you too much for all these years!” he added suddenly. Guess this was the only line missing for so long.

“You did?” I asked. “Ofcourse Sonia, I haven’t found anybody like you for so long. I tried avoiding you for a long time, but finally I realized I cannot get you out of my mind. Mumbai was just a reason to visit you. Missed you a lot.”

The few minutes that followed after this conversation had all possible emotions flowing…I felt excited, wanted to cry, smiling to myself at the same time, felt like a teenager, wanted to hop and jump as if I was waiting for his confession.

Just then the doorbell rang. My emotions crashed and reality hit me like a thunderstorm. Kirtan walked in, “Why on earth were you not opening the door sweetie? I have been at it for the past 5 minutes. You are not answering your cell phone either. I got worried. Are you fine darling?” He hugged me and offered a peck on my cheeks, but I did not feel the same love as I always did until lately. Oh my! I thought to myself. I am doing something wrong. Am I cheating on Kirtan. No way, I can’t hurt him. He is my soul.

Though I pretended that things were normal, I could sense a feeling of detachment from Kirtan. A bonding seemed to be budding between me and Rajeev. Which I hated to admit but loved it too.

--

I was getting very uncomfortable with each passing day. Rajeev's impending absence was disturbing me. I was getting anxious, angry, upset and irritable. Anger seemed to be brimming in my every conversation with almost everybody. I was getting cranky for no reason, blasting at kids over any silly matter and was just not at peace with myself. Music has been my eternal soulmate, but it didn’t pacify me either.

Finally I called Rajeev. He was in a shower when he answered my call. I said, “Do you HAVE to go?”

“What?!!!” he asked.

“I will miss you a lot. It is just being too impossible. Honestly, I don’t want you to go.”

He smiled and said, “I am in Mumbai right now. Want to meet you desperately.”

“Come over….” I said ”…in the next half an hour”

“Alright”. The call ended

And sure enough, the doorbell rang after the half hour. He stood at my door looking fresh as ever. I called him in. There was no reason to speak further we thought and we hugged on tight for what felt like an eternity. Tears rolled down our cheeks and Rod Stewart's soft number playing through the open kitchen door seemed so appropriate. “Have I told you lately that I love you...”

We didn’t realize when our lips met without waiting for any invitation. I was setting myself loose. It could have gone further, but he stepped back. “No Sonia, this is not right”

I was shaken too. We spent the next few moments in silence. He walked towards me and said, “I have never loved anyone in my life, like I have loved you. I have only thought about you for the past fifteen years. Nobody can replace you. You are irresistible, beautiful, smart, loving, innocent, child-like and basically a perfect woman to me. I loved everything about you. Your nature, innocence, your attitude and most of all these beautiful eyes. They still hold the warmth for me. I noticed it the very first day we met. I always knew you had a liking for me and also that you couldn’t express because you were committed”

to be continued...

Picture courtesy- loadtr.com